Is Retirement Productivity an Oxymoron?

My retirement goal was to become a retirement influencer. I had big dreams of writing about my exciting retirement lifestyle, giving advice, and making a ton of money as an authorized representative of all the cool products I would get my millions of followers to purchase. This did not become my reality. Instead, I eased into my retirement. I gave myself a year to adjust to not working. That is what all the retirement influencers I follow advise. 

It has been one year, one month, and two days since I officially retired and I am not sure if I have adjusted yet. How long does it take to get over the feeling of needing to be productive? How long does it take to develop a reasonable daily routine? Do I need a reasonable daily routine? When do I stop thinking about my former job? Maybe it takes one year, one month, and two days because I’ve decided that I am ready to move on. 

I had an epiphany of sorts today. Due to the political funding cuts to federal programs that support the non-profit organization from which I retired, I have been near frantic with worry over how they are managing. Today it occurred to me that I no longer bear the responsibility of worrying about how the organization will continue to do their good work. Wow! I can let that shit go. How did it take thirteen months (and 2 days) to figure that out? I’ve also been worried about my work pet-project that was recently totally restructured. Guess what? That’s no longer my concern either. More shit I can let go. 

I’m free. I’m finally figuring out what retirement feels like. Except…I can’t quite get over the whole “needing to be productive” thing. Oh, I do stuff. I am busy from the time my 7:00 a.m. alarm chirps until my watch chimes the first three notes of Brahms’ Lullaby reminding me to start winding down for my 10:00 p.m. bedtime (which is typically actually closer to midnight). 

I do lots of stuff. I start my day with coffee and morning pages/journaling, followed by all of the New York Times brain games (Worldle, Connections, Strands, Spelling Bee, Crossword (mini and regular). Once my brain has proven that it can sufficiently function, I prepare and eat a healthy breakfast, I do some minor housework, I go to the gym or go on a long walk, I prepare and eat a healthy lunch, I garden (I have a robust backyard garden), I do Duolingo (day 728!), I watch the evening news (local and national), I prepare and eat a healthy dinner. (I spend an inordinate amount of time cooking.) In addition to all of this, I have a husband and a dog and children and grandchildren and friends and family who I enjoy spending time with. I have lunch dates with friends, I travel with my husband and family, I’m in a book club. I read. A lot. 

Yet, in spite of staying busy all day, everyday, I want more. I want to feel productive. I want a passion. I want a project. I want to accomplish something. I just don’t know what. (That last sentence was written in the whiniest voice I could muster.) So, I guess I am going to revisit the “retirement influencer” thing. But rather that thinking I’m actually going to influence anyone or monetize anything, I am just going to write about my journey of discovering how to live this retirement life. Who knows, maybe along the way I’ll discover a passion and maybe even do something productive. Stranger things have happened, right?